50 days of war got me like..

I feel like I am a thousand years old, because of the amount of events I lived throughout my 20 years.

it’s really hard to let go all the bad sad memories especially that the few happy memories can’t fill the void.

it’s like drowning in depression ,sadness, dejection and melancholy.
each explosion I hear kills me, each one die take a little piece of me with him. I came to think that I am nothing but tiny small pieces stuck together by tears.

Taking a deep breaths, crying, watching my favorite comedian and even writing aren’t helping like they used to.

it’s just that I’m already dead on the inside, I’m just trying to do anything to make me feel alive. And nothing seems to work.

I’ve cried, and you’d think I’d be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps for couple of hours, and then wake up in the next day.

I went out to watch the sunset, the sky was striped with red, I was swinging and preoccupying that even the sky looks raged and angry then suddenly I huge explosion rocked the house, I don’t know how I ended up on my feet, standing still. Then I rushed inside the house were the horror was on ever one face , from my mom to my baby brother.

”it’s okay” I kept telling myself “it’s just an explosion” then another series of loud explosions shook the town like if the town was a drum.

And the bombing continued here and there all the night, I swear each explosion shook my bed and if there wasn’t a blast I’d have thought that I’m sitting on a rocking bed.

If I think it’s scary then how do kids feel? I really don’t know.

I know I am not the saddest, I know that my suffering is nothing to others’, but it’s just too painful to keep it in you know.

This routine of sleepless nights, of fears and horror, of depression is so tiring.  The pictures and screams of kids haunt me day and night. And even when you collapse and sleep you wake up to some nightmare that is related to this fricking war. Yesterday, I had a dream that felt so real, my house were bombed while I were in, once the stones and sands started to fall I really felt every atom of sand scratching my face, I first ducked but a second later I stood welcoming the End Of The Misery. Then I woke up.

I never in my life thought that in some point in my life I’ll consider death as a choice, but maybe because we are all slowly dying in Gaza anyway.

Even though I’m in my lowest but I still believe it’s going to be okay, God won’t let us down after all. we will rebuild it better than before.      

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5 thoughts on “50 days of war got me like..

  1. I am moved to tears and action. Thank you for writing this. You have our love which I hope will equate to something tangible one day.

    Like

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